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ISSUES

How I had to loose to win

Having to face a harsh reality is never easy, nor comfortable, it’s usually always a very painful process. It’s hard for anyone to accept the reality of something that they don’t want to believe, or that they have come to terms with accepting. Having to face facts that in some sort proves your wrongs only forces you to face the truth. Having to accept your truths is a conflict of interest of your denial, which forces you out of your comfort zone, and ultimately results in you having to change something about yourself, your environment, or your life that you may not be ready, prepared, or equipped to change. Having to face “Reality” will disrupt the course of  your life in some type of way, which is why the term “Harsh” is referenced.

[harsh /härSH/ 1. unpleasantly rough or jarring to the senses. 2. cruel or severe. synonyms:
grating, jarring, rasping, strident, raucous, brassy, discordant, unharmonious, unmelodious; screeching, shrill; rough, coarse, hoarse, gruff, croaky “a harsh voice”glaring, bright, dazzling; loud, garish, gaudy, lurid, bold.] synonyms: cruel, savage, barbarous, despotic, dictatorial, tyrannical, tyrannous; ruthless, merciless, pitiless, relentless, unmerciful; severe, strict, intolerant, illiberal, iron-fisted; hard-hearted, heartless, unkind, inhuman, inhumane
“his harsh rule over them”severe, stringent, draconian, firm, stiff, hard, stern, rigorous, grim, uncompromising;
punitive, cruel, brutal “they took harsh measures to end the crisis” austere, grim, spartan, hard, comfortless, inhospitable, stark, bleak, desolate “harsh conditions”. (Google Search online dictionary, 2018)

For as long as I can remember no one has ever been comfortable with having to face a reality, or truth about themselves. How can you easily admit something that you’ve convinced others, and even yourself that wasn’t truth? You can’t! Not at first, it takes growth, maturity, and understanding for a person to be able to set aside their pride, and admit the truth about themselves after denying that truth for so long. In many cases, people rather choose to live in denial of their truths rather than admit their wrongs-this is further proof that we’re not as big as we think we are. When it all boils down, once you’re cornered with having to do the right thing, you’ll quickly find that many of us aren’t so willing to be the bigger person, because in doing so requires us to admit our truths. One of the harsh realities that has been so hard for so many to face, is the fact that we’re simply cowards when having to face the truth.

What is the point? Have you ever stopped to ask yourself this, or even asked someone what was the point of them doing something? If you asked anyone this question, almost no one could  give you a reasonable, or straight answer. You put all your efforts into trying to “prove a point” to someone, and you don’t even know what that point really is.  People usually don’t have a legitimate reason for doing the things that they do, which almost always results in them  denying that they’ve done anything at all. The only explanation that makes any sense as to why “proving a point” even comes into play is based upon the grounds of jealously, envy, and/or hate. Most people aren’t going to admit it, but it reigns true about all of us.  Of course people aren’t going to just come out, and  admit their truths, they  can’t even admit when their wrong.

Realities are Harsh, they’re our truths that lie deep beneath the surface of our denials. Our realities, and our truths are in the same. We only accept the lies we tell ourselves to justify our reasoning for denying our truths. Lying to ourselves rather than facing our realities is more acceptable than accepting our truths, because it’s the only way  our human minds can find the peace it needs to ease our minds so we can sleep at night. We all fear something about facing our realities.  It could be the fear of loosing a relationship, finding out someone isn’t who you thought they were, or maybe even having to come to the realization that your entire life has been based on a lie. Our realities are our truths, our truths are concealed by our fears, and our fears are the harsh realities we must face in order to be set free from our state of denial.

So, how do you face reality when you’re not ready to accept the truth? This, as many questions like it are the types of questions that crossed my mind when I was forced to face my own realities. I’ve had many realities that I’ve had to face over the years, but the hardest of them all was having to come to terms with accepting the reality that I used poor judgements when choosing the father of my children. I had to accept the fact that I didn’t make the right choice at all.   At the time of my decision it seemed right, and  it felt right, because I loved him. From what I thought I knew of him, I sincerely thought he’d be a great dad. Typical thinking, I know, smh.  At the same time I was being faced with having to accept realities that revealed more realities. Those realities were the signs I was being given, and the huge red flags from incidents that seemed to be occurring rapidly, but like in many situations, I ignored those signs. Despite my gut feelings, I chose to follow my heart, BIG mistake. This mistake was the reality I had to face, and the most painful. It is a reality that I’ve got to live with for the rest of my life, and for the remainder of my kids lives. It’s not like all the other realities I’ve had to face over the years, and I’ve had a lot of painful realities that I’ve had to face. I was able to face those realities, dead them, lay them to rest, put them behind me, and move forward with my life without having to ever deal with them again.

Not this one, this reality was  a reality of all realities, and it wasn’t going away.  This reality is one that will never die, that can’t be forgotten, and one that I can’t so easily put behind me, kill, and lay to rest. This particular reality breathes, and will continues to live, because it’s a part of my children. It’s like a thorn in my side, a sore that never heals, and continues to leave painful scars that are a constant reminder of the mistake I made. As long as my kids exist so will this reality. Never had I imagined that I would breed children with someone so out of touch with their own realities. For so many years I denied the reality that I personally hand picked this person to father my children. An even harsh reality faced was the idea that I actually risked my life giving birth to bless this man with children. Then I had to turn right around, and face another reality that this person wasn’t worth birthing any children for, he wasn’t even worth the risk at all.  Although I’m grateful to God  for graciously bringing out of the debts of hell where I lay for almost 20 years with this individual, but I can’t help but admit a truth that I didn’t want to accept, and that was that my experiences with this man have scarred me for life. The flip side of it all, is that I’m one of few who was able to face my realities, recover from them, put my life back together, and start over. Something so many woman have been unfortunately able to do. Some even committing suicide, because the harsh realities they’ve had to face were so unbearably painful.  I was blessed to have my realities make me stronger, and wiser, and not break me, or kill me.

Imagine having to face a reality that the person you loved never truly loved you at? Imagine sacrificing your dreams, and everything you wanted out of life for a person who never appreciated how great the sacrifice was? Imagine marrying into a family that didn’t like you, despised you, hated you, and disrespected you on every level, and having your spouse never stand up for you, but instead justify the abuse? Imagine not being invited to take part in your in-laws affairs, and instead of your spouse standing by your side, and refusing to attend in efforts to obtain your respect, he goes without you?  Imagine being thrown under the bus, lied on, discredited, and have your name slandered just to hide the true nature of an act of disloyalty?  Imagine being so loyal, and in love with someone that even when they cheated on you, impregnated another woman you forgave them, accepted the child, and stayed with them only to have them not love you enough to stay with you when the piercing pains from the harsh reality that your man fathered his first born child with another woman finally sinks in?

Imagine despite this being a traumatic experience for you that you’ve never experienced before he has zero understanding, empathy, or compassion for what you’re going through, and instead blames you for it? Imagine trying to put him, and everything you been through behind you to have him come back, and tell you he wants his family back, talks you back into moving to another state, never revealing to you that he’s already involved with another women in which he has been living with the entire time of your separation? Imagine uprooting your children, taking another chance for love only to be put in a position where you’re forced with having to face even more harsh realities of where you really stand while the past realities haven’t even had time to heal. How many knives can one person take to the back before they die? Imagine wanting to die, because the pain is so unbearable, because you’re left feeling like you’ve just been cut open, and had your heart ripped out without being administered any anesthesia. Imagine only being accepted because you birth two beautiful little girls that your spouses family wanted to be a part of their lives? Imagine being told that they love your kids, but don’t love you?

Imagine after all that you went through, all that wasn’t appreciated, all that was taken for granted, and all that you sacrificed to build to be a family was torn apart, you still stepped up to be the bigger person, and still had your efforts twisted, and used against you? Ridiculous Right? Well, this was my reality, and unfortunately it still is today. I lived this until I was ready to face, and accept the harsh reality that I had to let go of my dreams, and plans of spending the rest of my life with a man I deeply loved. My reality was that I had to come to terms with the truth that no matter how much I loved him, he didn’t love me the same. I had to face an even more harsher reality that the only way I could live, secure my happiness, and get my life back together was if I broke my own heart. I had to accept the fact that it was necessary to walk away from a situation that no longer served me. The only way to escape the love that tormented me so much was to let that love go.

I’m one of these people that believes, “nothing is what it seems”. There’s a reason why I don’t always accept things at face value. I know first hand that looks can be very deceiving, and nothing is what it appears to be. From the looks of the pictures below, you’d think my ex-husband, and I had it altogether, we were happy, and our marriage was AMAZING, right? Wrong!!!! The “Reality” was that, during this trip to my parents house over the Christmas holiday, we weren’t happy at all (At least I wasn’t). The entire trip was a waste of time since it was only my effort to “prove a point” to the woman my husband was involved with that I was “Wifey”, and she’d never get to see this time spent with him for the holidays. On the flip side, our holiday was a complete, and utter  mess. We argued the entire time, didn’t sleep together, and as soon as we got back to Atlanta he moved out, AGAIN, and went right back to the other woman. This had become common, and had been happening too often than I’d like to tell.  He was back, and forth, back and forth between the two of us, and this happened for the next 3, and a half years until on Mother’s day 2014 I made up in my mind that I was going to let him go, walk away from the situation, and that’s exactly what I did. Of course he ended up with her, which is where he currently reside.

 

So, you see, it was easy to assume that when I let go, it had appeared that I lost, because no one wanted me with him, and it seemed as if the ones who were secretly praying against my marriage in hopes that it failed didn’t even realize that they ‘re prayers were part of the plan to me finding my place. I’m sure they rejoiced, and thought to themselves that their prayers had been answered, and that they had won. To them I had been defeated, but the “Reality” was, It was designed for me to LOOSE what I loved in order for me to gain my WIN. Everything I needed, and wanted was unobtainable, because I didn’t have the right people in my circle. God sees the hearts of man, and even though they’re good at disguising their hate towards you, he won’t allow you to come into your blessings until you can see the real intentions of the people you surround yourself with. This was exactly my case. God knew my intentions were to bless everyone I was in contact with, because he knows my heart is to bless my true friends, and loved ones, and even though I loved them, and  wanted so much to be sincerely accepted  by them, he knew that their hearts weren’t right. It wasn’t until they were removed out of my life that I started to receive my blessings. Without even knowing it, my peace of mind, happiness, joy, and independence was simply a “letting go of people the toxic people in my life” away. It was looking like I had loss when I actually was winning, and once I chose to accept my loss I was able to obtain a win. Ultimately, one “loss” resorted in multiple WINS!”

F.Y.I. I can’t tell you whether they’re truly happy, or got they’re “Happy ending”. The only thing I can honestly say that i witnessed is that he disrespected her on the same levels he disrespected me while during him trying to “figure out which one of us he really wanted to be with. But, like I said, you’ve got to buy the book to read the text messages from him, and emails she would send me whenever they would get into it, smh. I’m just thankful that his disrespectful ways, and attitude is not my problem anyone. I don’t have to deal with the insults, belittling, and disloyalty anymore, Hallelujah!!!

I previously stated, I had to come to terms with facing a reality that, “is one that will never die, that can’t be forgotten, and one that I can’t so easily put behind me, dead, or lay to rest”. I say this, because it has been true since the day I divorced my oppressor. Even though I’ve managed to move on with my life, have picked up where I left off before marriage, and kids, am doing everything I’ve always dreamed of doing, is overall succeeding, and in a far better place than I was 15 years ago, unfortunately, I still suffer the outcome of the harsh realities I had to face years ago. I’ve accepted the reality that no matter where you are in the world, or how much you try to escape your realities, you will always be faced with them from time to time. One of my most recent harsh realities, like many in the past, is that I’ve got to accept that no matter how much I want to do right by my kids, I’ve got to be responsible, aware, and wise enough to know when it’s time to cut relationships between them, and people who don’t mean them any good, aren’t serving any real purpose in their lives, and who continue to be poor examples to them which undoes everything I’m trying to teach them.

I recently had to face yet again another harsh reality. This one is one that I’ve tried for years to avoid, I’ve tried compromising, I’ve surrendered a few times, I’ve gone against my better judgements, and I’ve even bowed down, and kissed a few asses, more than I’d like to admit it, and yet I’m still considered the unreasonably bitter  “Bad guy”.  My most recent reality is harsh in a sense that my next attempt to regain peace of mind from this situation will cause me a lot of backlash. It’s hard to please everyone in this type of situation, therefore I choose to please myself. Unfortunately, my children will have to face this same reality, and come to terms with it, but the fact that they’ve lacked a physical presence in their lives for so long, I’m sure they’ll be alright with it-No love lost. Now, I know it sounds drastic, but really it’s not. So, before any of you start judging me, throwing shade, stones, and insults let me be clear of what I plan to do.

The hardest decision for a “Good” parent to make is having to decide whether it’s worth the non-custodial parent being a part of a child’s life.  I mean, as parents we have a huge responsibility, and obligation to protect our children right? So, does this responsibility apply to the non-custodial parent? Of course, I would say it does. If anyone is in your child’s life, and they’re not contributing to that child’s growth, well-being, or mental development then there’s no reason to include that person in that child’s life. Hopefully, the child can re-connect with the parent when he/she is older.

The Plan,…And, In this order!

  1. I will no longer make it convenient for my children’s father to see them. I will allow him to visit with them, but it will have to be at his expense.
  2. I will no longer allow my children’s father to communicate with them at my expense. If he wants to talk to them he’s going to have to commit going half on their monthly phone services, and/or buy them a phone in which he purchases, and pays the bill.
  3. I will no longer allow my children’s father to see them during my trips to Atlanta, while on my time, as I so often have allowed. If he wants to see them he will  be required to come get them from Florida (On his time, not mine), and be responsible to bring them back.
  4.  I will no longer be lenient towards my children’s father, because he clearly doesn’t appreciate my efforts. Anytime he wants to get them for the holidays (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Spring break, or during the summer) he is more than welcomed to do so (As he has always been granted). As per the above, he will be required to come get them, and bring them back. This is only under the condition that he abides by our standing  court order, as per our divorce decree, that he is to provide me with his address. (In which he currently refuses to provide to me, which is why my kids haven’t been permitted back to his place of residence. This request has been denied due to his  girlfriend’s claims that she feels threatened with my knowledge of her address due to incidents that occurred 5 years in the past).
  5. I will no longer address situations involving my children’s father until he grows up, and learns what being a “Father” really is.

Now, for those of you whom have taken the time to read this article to the end, I’ve provided you a few text messages to show you what type of “Mindset” I have to put up with when trying to co-parent with my kid’s father. Don’t get me wrong, I know some of you have heard me brag about being able to co-parent with my kids father in the past, but those times are always short lived. (Let him tell it, it’s me, smh). Anyways, I’m the type of person that takes pride in giving credit when/where it’s due no matter if the situation is short lived. When I was bragging during the times things were going okay with us, that was simply my moments of me being proud of the fact that we were getting along at that time. Just so you guys know,  in many cases when my ex-husband, and I have gotten along together, and could talk without any backlash, or arguing, those times only occurred when I wasn’t raising any important issues, telling him what he needs to be doing as a father, or reminding him of anything relevantly important to the upbringing of his children.

If I may prove my side of the story, you will see from the text messages below how things usually transpire between my ex, and I, and yes, I admit, it’s usually started when I ask a reasonable question, or challenges his parenting skills, or make any type of implication that he’s really not such a “Good parent”. Now, I also admit, I GO OFF!!! I have ZERO TOLERANCE, AND NO PATIENCE LEFT with this man, and I have every right to be frustrated. My reactions are a result of emotional distress from the constant headaches, and BULLSHIT I find myself still having to put up with after all these years. So, NO, I’m NOT sorry that I don’t take a more subtle approach to the matter. TRUST ME, either way I approach, it’ll still end in hostility, because he simply doesn’t get it. He can’t stand to hear the TRUTH, or be told of his OBLIGATIONS, and RESPONSIBILITIES. I’m convinced, it’s only because it’s ME that’s telling him.

What I’m about to tell you is SAD, PATHETIC, but TRUE!!! Now, I previously disclosed the texts messages below in evidence of how things usually played out between my ex-husband, and I, and Although we haven’t had any episodes of this nature in a long time I must admit that it did surprise me that he would take things back this far after how far we’d come with “co-parenting”. We were getting along fine, but suddenly we had relapsed, or did we? Okay,… Since posting this article I found out that the text messages below were sent by his girlfriend from his phone (Childish right!). Exactly, it wasn’t him, it was HER!!! How did I know, and how did I find out? Okay, so after speaking to my ex-husband upon him calling me to tell me that his dad had passed, I asked him straight up, if it was him that had been going back, and forth with me that day (the day the text messages were being sent), and of course, he said, and I quote, “Come on, what do you think, you know me, and you’re the most smartest woman I know, you’re wise, you already know who it was”, smh…I replied, “Yeah, I know it was here, but I have to tell you something…I might have said something that may have caused you some problems, and it wasn’t intentional, but I was pissed off”,….he asked me, what did I say?…I proceeded to tell him what was said….after finding out what I said, he got quiet.

What did I say? Well,…she (not he) text something out of nowhere, I was surprised that it was even said, because I don’t recall saying anything that implied I wanted my ex-husband back, or said anything to make him, or anyone think that I wanted to sleep with him, smh, so I found it odd that he would say something like that, this immediately raised a red flag that it might be her texting me…Anyways, the text read, “I don’t want you, I haven’t slept with you in years, let’s just keep it about our children”. I suddenly felt some type of way, not because it was said, but because I KNOW that if I really wanted to sleep with my ex I could, and that’s just how I feel. So, I unapologetically replied…, “Really?, because every time I see you I make your dick get hard”, Lol..OMG, Yesss!!!! I went there, because honestly, my ex is still attracted to me, he’s a man, and most men get aroused when they see something they like. That’s normal, but I don’t read anymore into it than that, because I know where my ex-husband, and I stand with each other, and it IS NOT together. I can only imagine how she felt seeing that reply, but I admit, after I realized it was her, and not him I thought to myself, that’s what she gets for acting like she was him, she found out something she wasn’t ready for.

 

Does this change anything?

Well, since finding out the truth about the text It did change a lot about my thoughts of the original account, and I had to apologize to my ex, but since our relationship is up, and down, and not as consistent as I would like it to be, I’m going to stick to my plan in hopes that I see a pattern that makes me comfortable enough to let my guard down with my ex. For now, I’m not going to change too much, but I will not respond from now on until I know for sure it is him. Therefore, my conversations will be VERBAL from now on since his girlfriend likes to play games, and involve herself in our affairs in an effort to keep us at each other’s throats.

What’s the problem?

I realize that the issue my ex-husband’s girlfriend has with me isn’t just about me, I mean it is about me, but it’s not just about me..Okay, Yes, she’s definitely feels “threatened” by me, is jealous, and envious of me, and is obsessed over  me, But,…I think she’s really threatened by the “idea” that IF my ex, and I had a better relationship, and acted more like friend than foes, that maybe we’d have this crazy idea to give it another try. My ex, and I getting back together is really what she’s threatened by (even though she convinced that she knows my ex-husband doesn’t want me, or love me anymore)  I think she’s in denial, and is delusional that my ex-husband DOES sill love me, and cares about me. For anyone to think that two people who’ve spent over 20 years together wouldn’t have any feelings for each other is definitely in denial. Now, what she doesn’t realize is that, just cause my ex, and I still have feelings for each other doesn’t mean we want to get back together. The fact that I was his first WIFE, and has two beautiful children by him is why he’ll always have love for me.

What did I think? Now, I used to think that her problem was thinking my ex, and I were still sleeping together, but after I gave her numerous invites to join him during his trips to visit the kids, even invited her to join my mom, sister, and myself out for a girls day out (and, told her she could invite whoever she wanted to come along to make her comfortable) in efforts to ensure her that I had no beef with her, and that I’m over my ex, and I respect her relationship with him, she has declined every invite I’ve offered. She never even came with him to pick the kids up. After years of trying to figure out what her problem was, I realized that, “she can’t stand the thought, or sight of seeing me, my ex-husband, and the kids in the same room together. It bothers her to see us together, smh. I don’t know what else it could be. Do you know? Please comment your thoughts.

Back to those text messages!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I suspected that is was her at one point, but I couldn’t be too sure so I took the texts at face value. To add to this story, this is the type of childishness I have to deal with from his girlfriend, not only that she has everyone (on her side) convinced that I am jealous of her, she has told people I have stalked her, etc…EVERYTHING she knows she does to me, she has said that I have done to her. She continues to use 5 year situations to justify why she has a problem with me, smh. I gave up! I’ no longer am trying to be her friend, I realize she rather “Hate” me than be woman enough to put the past in the past, move forward, and try to get to know me. Her obsession, jealousy, and envy of me is too great for her to even stand being around me. Oh, and this isn’t the first time she’s acted like she was my ex, I have emails of her impersonating my ex, and contacting our divorce attorney during upon him sending my ex notice of him being in contempt of court due to an issue I was having with him, because of her, smh. Yes, she emailed my attorney back acting as if she was my ex, not realizing my attorney cc a copy of the email to me, which is how I became aware that she had even emailed him. The email was Craaazy, lol..Omg, smh. If you want to see the emails, and fin out what other foolery I’ve experienced in this once upon a time “Love triangle” you gotta buy the book, Lol…Stay Tune, and Tune In…

NOW YOU KNOW THE TEXT MESSAGES BELOW WERE SENT BY MY EX-HUSBAND’S GIRLFRIEND, AND NOT BY HIM, SMH.

 

My Honest Opinion

I believe my ex-husband’s girlfriend isn’t happy. I think they both realize that it’s not quite how they expected it would be. I think the honeymoon is over. My ex-husband is physically there, but emotionally he’s not. Knowing him, he’s going to stick around for as long as he can tolerate it. He’s a cool, calm, and collected type of guy. He’s always been the type of man to adapt to his environments, therefore for him, he’s in his own world. He doesn’t like conflict so it’s easy to defuse situations with him, but after awhile he’ll start to make excuses to get out once he feels being there no longer serves him. Now, as for her, I believe she knows the relationship is fizzling, and she’s not completely happy either, BUT, because she “has a point to prove” to me, she will sacrifice her own happiness, and joy to stay in a miserable situation. She’s so afraid that he’s going to come back to me that she chooses to stay in a situation where she’s not at peace thinking that that’s going to prevent us from getting back together, smh. She IS NOT happy, nor is she secure in where her relationship with him stands, because if she was so sure he didn’t want me, or wouldn’t take me back if he had the chance, I wouldn’t be a threat, and she wouldn’t have a “point to prove”. Now, this is just my observation, and opinion. I’m not saying I am right. They could be very much in love, happy, and living a good stress free life.

 

FOR THE RECORD! I’m not saying my ex is a threat to my kids, and I don’t believe he’ll ever be. All I’m saying is that he doesn’t make good decisions when it involves his kids. He doesn’t do what’s necessary to ensure me that the company he keeps isn’t a threat to my kids. It’s hard for me to allow my kids to be in the presence of anyone that despises me, doesn’t like me, and whom has threatened to shoot me in the past. He doesn’t want to do things my way. His girlfriend has a point to prove, which is, “I’m not going to have it my way”. Even though “My way” is the “Right way”, she rather do things the “complicated way”, and ass backwards just to get their point across. It’s crazy, because they’re putting me through the same hell I went through with his baby mama, except I’m doing the opposite of what she did. I’m actually giving him the option to be in my kids lives, when his first baby mama fought for him not to be in her daughter’s life (Of course if i wasn’t in the picture she wouldn’t have tried it, but this is another chapter, you gotta read the book)

Besides that, even when I’ve talked myself into doing things the way “He” wanted me to do it, just to keep the peace, any mention of anything I bring to his attention that he isn’t following through on, it brings us right back to this bitter, and frustrating place. So, here we are, back at the drawing board. On top of all his lack thereof, he puts himself, and the needs/wants of his girlfriend before the needs/wants of his kids. He doesn’t care to do what’s right by his kids even if it meant loosing his visitation rights. Of course, like most men, he claims to “Love them more than the breath anyone breathes”, and of course, I beg the differ. If that were the case he wouldn’t allow something as simple as “abiding by a court order that orders him to provide me with his home address, or otherwise I’m not legally obligated to let him visit with my kids”.  It’s obvious he doesn’t have a clue as to what that statement really mean, smh.

After hearing all this, you’d think that my entire marriage, and relationship to my children’s father was a bust, but I must admit, It wasn’t! There was a time when we were in love, and just smitten with each other. I can’t quite  recall exactly when it started to fall apart, but I do know why the foundation of our marriage initially began to crumble, but again…you gotta stay tuned to read the book to find out!

 

 

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