Dead Beat Alert

The truth about dads that put their partners before their kids

Besides child support being the biggest issue when it comes to co-parenting, the other most common, and disturbing topic I’m asked about is dads that put their partner’s before their kids. It’s hard to believe that this is happening, and It’s even more disturbing that most partners are condoning it. I mean, these partners are definitely a new breed of “Deadbeats”. What type of person favors their partner more than their own flesh, and blood? Although, this should be a concern for the partner, it usually isn’t a concern at all since the partner is most  likely the reason this is going on, which is why they usually can’t see the bigger picture, furthermore is why they’re okay with it.

I can speak on this topic sincerely, because it’s a topic I’m all too familiar with. Sadly, my ex-husband is one of those dads, but, you can’t tell him that this is in fact what he’s doing. For example, his girlfriend doesn’t want me to know where they live even though we have a court order that he is to provide me with his address (vice versa).  Failure to provide me with his address (while during his visits) he’s automatically in contempt of court, and at risk of loosing his visitations with his kids. He chooses to do what his girlfriend wants rather than do what he needs to do to spend time with his children.

When I told my ex that I was uncomfortable with letting my kids stay an entire summer with him without knowing his physical address, and explained to him that I was not going to allow them to stay unless I knew where they would be, because his girlfriend played “Victim” he still did’t provide it to me. I even tried compromising, I told him that if f he would at least provide my sister, or even my attorney with the address I would let them stay, and instead of providing my sources with his address, because his “girlfriend” still was playing “victim” he simply chose not to get them for the summer based on his decision to not provide his address.

“A Partner that gets in the way of a child’s relationship with their parent is a partner not worth a damn”

Now, I admit, which is his argument, I have allowed them to stay with him before without knowing the address, but it was under the false pretense that he was going to text me the address later. A few hours after he picked up the kids, I asked him for the address several times, but I never got it. In an effort to not ruin the kids weekend, I didn’t make a big deal about it at that time, and instead talked myself into letting them sleepover, because the kids were already at his house, and I didn’t want to be the bad guy, and snatch them from over there. Plus, it was only for 2 days, and I was going to be staying in town the whole time. It wasn’t until he wanted the kids to spend the entire summer that I really started to press the issue about being provided his address.

This was a different scenario, because not only would my kids be staying there for three months, but I wasn’t going to be in town. I wouldn’t have the convenience of getting to my kids if anything was to happen, nor would I even know where they were. I was leaving them in Georgia, and going back to Florida, therefore I wanted to know where my kids were going to be (as any mother would). I even suggested that they provide the address to my sister whom lives about 35 minutes away, or to my attorney, but his girlfriend still didn’t want to cooperate, therefore I did not allow him to get them for the summer. My decision was obviously okay with him since instead of texting me his address he dropped the kids clothes off to my sister’s house after I gave him the option to “text me the address, or bring me the kids things’.

I read a blog article called, “The real reason your ex doesn’t see the kids” (Read the article here ) and, although I agree with what the author is saying, I also have my own beliefs, which is referenced in the above title of this article. It’s absolutely normal for your ex to deny that he/she are “putting they’re partner before their kids”. That sense of denial is what allows them to ignore what they’re really doing. It’s also the reason why they can’t see it, but just because they choose to not see it doesn’t mean that it’s not happening. “Actions speak louder than words”, there’s only two types of people in this world that would try to argue, and deny an action that clearly exposes the truth, and that is a “Fool, and as Ass hole”. Obviously if you’re doing something your partner is telling you to do, opposed to doing what makes your children happy, you’re clearly choosing your partner over your kids. The sad part about it is that your partner isn’t even worth it. Anyone that restricts the relationship between your kids is not a good person, has some serious issues, and is someone that really doesn’t love you at all.

Be mindful that dads who feel it necessary to satisfy the wants of their partners usually don’t have any control in the relationship. This is most likely due to the fact that their partner owns everything, or everything may be in the partner’s name, and they really can’t say anything. For instance, if an argument were to occur, without the partner having to say anything, there’s an immediate sense that dad feels, which prevents him from standing up, and fighting for what he really wants to do. Since he knows he really doesn’t have ownership of anything that would officially tie him to the relationship, or if he didn’t bring anything into the relationship he might feel his partner is the only one who has a right to make the decisions. I know, I know..this scenario only applies to “Weak” men. “Real” men, whether they brought anything to the table, or not isn’t having it, they don’t give a damn about who owns what when it comes down to their kids.

I have seen men leave relationships like it wasn’t nothing when it came down to a woman getting in the way of his kid’s happiness Those are the type of men who literally will sacrifice it all for their children. As I was saying, there are some men who don’t feel they have a right to go against what the partner says, especially if the partner dominates the relationship, and is bringing more to the table. Usually when a man feels this way, he hasn’t consciously, or mentally accepted where he is as “Home”, he may call where he lay his head home, but if he truly believed that this place where he sleeps is “Home” he wouldn’t feel as though he couldn’t make decisions, or go against his partners wishes without feeling threatened by loosing “a place to stay”. If you’re sure of where you stand in your relationship, nothing will threaten that confidence, a lot of men are “physically” at home, but mentally they don’t know where “Home” is, because they haven’t established it for themselves. It doesn’t help, and it makes it even more uncomfortable when the partner doesn’t make him feel as if his decisions aren’t going to jeopardize whether he’s allowed to stay.

This is one of the reasons why some dads put their partners before their children. Especially, if he doesn’t have a backup plan, or an alternative place to reside he’s not going to jeopardize his only means of survival. The fact that a lot of partners are aware of this is why they use it to their advantage. It’s not right, but they do it. A man/woman that lacks his/her own independence, and who depends on someone else will never really have equal rights in a relationship. Their lively hood will always be threatened, which is why they’ll always choose their partner over their kids, because their thinking about themselves, they’re not thinking about their kids. It’s impossible for a selfish individual to put anyone before himself, and children aren’t the exception. So remember, if a man doesn’t feel he’s at “Home”, meaning if he’s prohibited from being himself, or is being made to feel like he has to base his decisions on whether he will have a place to stay, or not, he’s never going to truly feel as though he’s at “Home”, and until he devises a plan to get his shit together, he will always favor what his partner expects.

On the contrary, when he gets his shit together, and gets back on his feet, he’ll start to see things clearer, and his partner won’t be able to use his weakness against him. Once he re-establishes himself he’ll start making decisions whether his partner likes it, or not, because now he knows that he doesn’t need his partner, and therefore won’t hesitate to leave, and choose his children’s happiness. (The right partner wouldn’t even put their mates in the types of situations, and positions where their mate has to choose between their children, and their own lively hood)

“No, paying Child support doesn’t make you a deadbeat, thinking that child support is enough, does”.–Ms. Ross

First, and foremost, and for the record, I’d like to make it very clear that there’s no excuse for a father/mother to miss out in they’re kids lives. There shouldn’t be not one person, situation, or circumstance that stops you from spending any amount of time with your kids. I don’t care if it’s just 20 minutes, if you’re given the opportunity to see your children, you take the opportunity to do so. It’s not hard to figure out which type of moms/dads don’t value their children. It’s also valid to say that it’s obvious as to what type of partners your exes are dealing with. Partners that don’t encourage the mothers/fathers to do what it takes for their children, but stands in the way of your children’s relationships with their parents are horrible people disguised as decent human beings .

I’ve heard a lot of complaints about it being the “partner” that is the blame for why some moms/dads aren’t in their kids lives, and I agree with this to a certain extent. I don’t necessarily blame the partners, because it takes a Real man/woman to not allow anyone to stop them from doing what’s necessary for their kids.  I’ve seen a lot of situations where it would actually be the mom, or dad that’s not that interested in being in their kids lives, and they just let their partners take the blame. So, don’t be so quick to assume that it’s the “partner” always, because it just could be your ex pulling the strings. The partner could just be the escape goat, puppet, or fall guy.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m on your side, Ijs…Now, of course there are partners out there with some serious issues. A lot of partners take advantage of their influences, and use them against you simply out of spite, because they don’t like you. On the other hand, there are partners that’re not okay with their mates not being in their kids lives. These types of partners are far, and few..they’re the “Real MVP’s”, because despite their differences with their mates’s exes, they have a genuine concern for the children, therefore they don’t let their personal feelings get in the way of the child’s relationship with the parent. These are the kind of partners that’re keepers, they understand what love is, and they know that if they’re not fighting for your children, they’re fighting against their mates, and they wouldn’t dare jeopardize their mates happiness. They love your ex so much that they’re willing to do whatever needs to be done to ensure that your kids are in your ex’s life, because they sincerely love your ex that much. I envy a girlfriend of mine, she, and her ex’s girlfriend set aside their differences for the kids, and they’ve become best of friends. It’s possible to establish a healthy relationship with your ex’s partner, but it’s also just as much more impossible when the partner holds a deep hatred, and jealousy towards you.

Believe it, or not, I’ve met some partners who’ve broken up with their mates, because they felt they weren’t doing enough. Real mature men/women will never find it attractive, or impressive when their partner  jeopardizes his rights to be in his kids lives. They have a serious problem with anyone that makes excuses, or uses their exes as an escape goat to justify why they’re not actively involved in their children’s lives, because these individuals are simply good people with genuine good hearts.

The truth is, most absent parents, or non-custodial parents don’t really care whether they have a solid relationship with their children, they’re satisfied with simply random contact. It’s not uncommon for a parent to not really want to be fully involved in their kids lives, these are the parents who “don’t value their kids as much as they say they love them”. If they did, they’d understand that their kids come first, and they wouldn’t let nothing come between that. They wouldn’t stand for their partner doing anything that would prevent them from making their kids happy whether it was doing what their ex wanted them to do, or not. Some parents aren’t connected to their kids enough to make good parenting decisions, and sacrifices for their children.

I won’t say that they don’t “Love” their children, because I’m sure they have some type of love for their kids. I’m saying, they don’t have a “genuine love” for their children. “Love” for your kids operates in a sense the same way as it would  in relationships. Just saying you “Love” someone doesn’t mean that you’re “in love” with them. It’s the same with your kids, just cause you tell your kids “I love you” doesn’t mean you “truly love” your kids. You’ve got to be completely in love with your kids in order to truly love them.

To “truly love” your kids is to put yourself, and everything else last to ensure that your kids come first. Most dads can’t grasp this concept, or think it’s necessary, because they really don’t value their children’s worth. They have no idea what “Cherishing your kids is priceless” even mean. All that is saying, is that you value your children’s existence, you appreciate their lives, and you would do anything to ensure they’re happiness, and well-being before your own, and you would mean it with all your heart, because there wouldn’t be nothing, or no one in this world that would hinder you, stop you, or put a wedge between you, and your children. If you don’t “truly love” your kids you’ll only love their existence, and not the quality of their lives. The type of love most dads give their children is “Fake love”, because real, true, genuine love can’t be compromised.

What amazes me is the idea that most partners actually think that when a parent honors their wishes before honoring their children’s wishes, that he/she truly loves them. How? It never occurs to the partner that if a parent doesn’t love his own flesh, and blood, a human being that is of him/her enough to make that child happy, they can’t possibly have any real love for them. Think about it, if you don’t love a child that comes from you enough to do anything for that child, you don’t love yourself, because that child is a part of you, and if you don’t love yourself how can you love someone else? You can’t love someone that’s not a part of you more than you love someone that comes from you. So, what type of love is your ex’s partner really getting? Fake Love? Hummm.

I’m not excusing the partner’s role in the part they play as to why your ex puts the them first. Some partners can be very manipulative in how they get your ex to choose them over your kids. Selfish? Yes, Vindictive? Yes, Evil? Yes…Take my ex-husband’s girlfriend for example, she claims to want to be a part of my kids lives, she claims to be making every effort to make sure my ex is a part of my kids lives, she claims to not be the reason my ex doesn’t see his kids, but at the same time she’s preventing him from being in their lives by refusing to tell me where she lives knowing that this is the only reason my children aren’t permitted to her house. So, if she’s really trying not to be the cause my ex is missing out in his children’s lives then why isn’t she willing to be the bigger person, and abide by the court order? Again, pay attention to those “Actions” they tell an entirely different story.

“If a parent allows his partner to stop them from being in their children’s lives, that parent doesn’t deserve to be in their lives”

Now, if your ex’s partner is anything like my ex’s partner then you already know that the only reason your ex’s partner gets satisfaction from seeing your ex put him/her before your children is, because they despise you. The gratification they get from this really has nothing to do with the kids, it’s all about you.  Some partners are so jealous, envious, and threatened by you that they just can’t stand you. The very thought of your ex making you happy bothers them with a passion, even though your happiness comes from your children being happy, they can’t stand it. They deeply despise you simply because of who you are. This deep hatred, and obsession has taken control of them, and they’re unable to reason, or rationalize, and it’s getting the best of them. They can’t do right by the kids, because they’re so consumed in this power struggle with you, and you probably have no idea what the struggle is since you’re not at odds with them, like in my case, I sincerely just want my ex, and his partner to simply “Do the right thing”, and stop going against what I’m asking just, because they have a point to prove. It’s so sad that people rather fight against you rather than with you especially when there’s kids involved.  Unfortunately, as long as your ex’s partner continues to harbor deep ill feelings towards you, it’ll always be easy for them to make a situation that has nothing to do with them, about them.

In my case, if my ex’s partner truly wanted my kids happy, and was doing everything she could to ensure my ex sees his kids (like she uses in her defense) she wouldn’t be “making it about her”. Whether she had an issue with me, or not she wouldn’t allow her “personal” issues to get in the way of my children’s relationship with their father. The fact that she really doesn’t care about him, or my kids is why she refuses to do right by any of them. It’s not about him, or my kids…her issue isn’t really geared towards my kids, they’re simply in the crossfire, her issue (like many before her), is ME!!! People just can’t stand the type of person that I am, smh.

So, if you’re dealing with a situation where your ex puts his partner before your kids, don’t waste your time trying to get him to see it, he won’t. Don’t get caught up with playing the games his partner has manipulated him into playing. Don’t take part in the twisted power struggle your ex’s partner continues to try entangle you in. Don’t even argue about it anymore, wash your hands of it, and just continue to give your children the love your ex wasn’t man enough, and didn’t have common sense to give.  Keep your head up, don’t worry about what your ex, and his partner is telling people.

There will come a day, and time when he will regret his actions, and eventually despise his partner for the time lost with the children. Once reality sinks in, and the smoke clears, your ex will become so bitter towards his partner that the only person he’ll see is the real blame, and cause for his absence, is his partner. He will deeply regret not doing enough, he’ll be consumed with guilt for not fighting hard enough, and he’ll soon loose respect for his partner for not making it easy for him to see his children. Once he realizes all that he missed out on, and if he’s the type of man that doesn’t take responsibility for his own actions, he’ll look for someone to blame, and it’ll be his partner.  Eventually, the relationship will have reached it’s breaking point, and everything his partner intended to destroy in your life will backfire.

Just wait, and Watch! God knows the heart, and he doesn’t like ugly!

“Don’t wish bad on either of them, never wish for someone’s downfall, just pray for them, and wish the best for them, no matter how hard it is to do, be sure you do it with a sincere, and genuine heart, and everything will work out in your favor!”

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